Theology In Marriage
Please go over to Tulips & Honey Podcast Blog – BiblicalBeginnings Page as Patrick has written a guest post on theology in marriage for the hosts who had us on recently to interview them about Cave To The Cross Apologetics show. That interview can be found here – Ep.44 – Tulips & Honey Interview.
It is entitled “Theology Q&A & Living As One As Husband & Wife” – Click Here to read it.
This article is about how husbands and wives should deal with theological questions. Moreover in ways that honors their relationship to each other, their biblical position to each other, and ultimately to God. Also, it offers some advice to try and navigate a question and answer time and even when two might not agree with each. I hear that type of thing happens from time to time in a marriage.
Thanks to the gals at Tulips & Honey podcast for hosting my article. Thank you, dear reader, for checking it out as well.
The Article Is Reproduced Below
Theology Q&A & Living As One As Husband & Wife
Husbands, tell me if you’ve experienced this one before. You’re sitting down to a nice meal prepared by your loving wife. The kids are actually eating well for once. The cat isn’t on the table ready to be evil. You take that first bite of perfectly cooked steak (mid-rare) and then you hear, “Where do you think babies go when they die?” You start getting “meat sweats” before you’ve even chewed.
Or how about this one. You’re in bed about ready to drift off to sleep or you’re pulling out your tablet to try and get through that chapter you’ve been wanting to finish for two days now and with no movement in the house you hear your wife ask, “If our children aren’t elect and the Rapture happens right now and we get taken, they’re going to die alone in this house, right?”
What is the process for answering those questions? Are you really expected to have all of Christian theology, history, and ethics figured out to dole out to your family at just the right time like an episode of “Leave It To Beaver”? This article isn’t going to answer the two specific questions at the start – do your own dirty work! Whether or not you have the answers to these questions, the main question is how do you address these with your spouse? Is the proper process just to give him (or her) the theology and Scripture references, a loving pat on the bottom, and continue on with your day? What if they ask follow up questions? Or worse, what if they disagree with you?
A few caveats before we get started. This is general guidance. Men aren’t monolithic. Neither are women. Your wife or husband could be the complete opposite of the general outline I put forth. The situation you face might be completely the opposite. Again, this is general guidance on how we should approach the ones we love the most with questions and answers to theology based topics. Also, I am not your pastor or even a pastor. I don’t even play a pastor on TV. If you have specific issues that needs addressing consult your church elders. They know you best and ordained by God to be there for you in these types of situations.
United and Cleaved As One
As Bible-believing Christians we understand that the husband is the head of the family (Ephesians 5:22-24; 1 Corinthians 11:3; 1 Timothy 2:11-15). We also understand that when men are called to love their lives like Christ loved the Church that means we are to sacrifice our lives for them. We are to be perfectly loving to them. We are to lead them perfectly. We are to teach perfectly. And we also understand that we’ve all failed the “perfectly” part every day and some days we haven’t even approached “adequate”.
We do, however, see this charge throughout Scripture. The relationship that Adam had with Eve is a foil for every type of marriage relationship. The man is to leave the authority of his parents and be joined together “as one flesh” to his wife (Genesis 2:24). We see it in the charge of the foundational teaching of the Sh’ma: “Sh’ma Yisraeil, YHWH Eloheinu, YHWH Echad” (Hear O’ Israel, YHWH our God, YHWH is one). Husbands were charged with teaching their children and household when “you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates. (Dt 6:7–9, ESV). Essentially, every facet of the men of Israel’s lives were to teach and declare the character and will of YHWH. In the New Testament, believers are charged to conform themselves to the image of Jesus Christ and lead their families in the faith that saved us (Ephesians 5:1-33; 6:1-4).
What Paul called husbands and wives to do in Ephesians 5 started a fire that ignited a cultural revolution in how the world understood what the family was. Christianity burnt the Roman world to the ground and in the ashes grew a family structure alien to the culture surrounding it. Wives were called to honor and obey their husbands. They were not to go out and find someone who treated them with a false sense of love that defiled the marriage bed and vow. A wife was to sacrifice their independence and submit to a husband even if he wasn’t a believer. Likewise, a husband can’t just hop into bed with whoever. Where Rome allowed for concubines without defiling marriage, Jesus called men to take their vow to their wives seriously. Just like Christ clarified the Law as being more encompassing, the husband was charged with being responsible for leading his family even to the point where he would give up his wants and desires and life for them. For Christ-followers; when the going gets tough, the tough get loving.
Do You Love Christ? Tend & Feed His Sheep
Start with love – Seems pretty basic but think about the time when someone questioned and attacked your position on social media. What was that response like? Could have been better, right? For both husbands and wives, the relationship always points back to Christ and our love for Him. It’s a reminder. How should I respond to this question or challenge or attack!? Look up to Christ, remember who He is, and what He did for me. After that, then yous look back down to the person you love. That person isn’t your enemy. That person is the one you wrote love letters to when you were dating. You watched cheesy chick flicks with. You cried over the loss of a loved one or with joy over the birth of your child. This is the one God chose specifically for you to be joined within one flesh. This isn’t a trap. This is exactly the situation God designed marriage to foster!
Do not attack, give love – Think about what Jesus’ response to the apostles was all the times they asked Jesus what He meant when He spoke to the crowd. He did not berate them or view them with distrust. Jesus loved them. We know this because He took the time to give them intimate answers to a greater degree than the crowd. Jesus took them aside and explained in detail the meaning of what He had said and the further implications.
Wives, be ready to listen to the answer and understand where your husband is coming from. Give him time to formulate and work through his answer. Don’t immediately attack or jump on a poorly worded answer. A majority of men haven’t been through seminary and have different degrees of knowledge. Most of us don’t know how to explain “homoiousios” verses “homoiousios”. We just know Santa Claus punched a guy over it.
Husbands, listen to the whole question. Ask clarifying questions. Make sure you understand where your wife is coming from and what she may really be asking. Don’t scoff at your wife for not knowing something so simple. If it’s so simple – rejoice! You’ll be able to easily explain it and perfectly so, right? Be happy that your wife is seeking out your opinion or your voice rather than the twelve different websites or the eight different famous pastors who probably have a video or article explaining it better and more fully than you can. She is wanting to learn and have a conversation with you! She thinks you’re a babe!
Be patient and be gracious, give love – It’s ok to give people time to go find the Scripture to give an answer or to research it. You may have a question you’ve never thought about or he hasn’t either. What’s the difference between the transcendental argument and the ontological argument? Hold on, let me go watch a video from Cave To The Cross Apologetics. Allow the other person the time to answer the question or think about the answer. What is the goal? Is the goal to be right or make the other person feel bad about not knowing? Or is the goal to come to understand the Word and Work of our great God and Savior?
Husbands, it is so much better to tell your wife you don’t know rather than make something up. This is the exact time when you should consult the Instruction Manual rather than wing it. Put on your sweater over a turtleneck, don those spectacles, break out all those commentaries you’ve been collecting. Show your wife you can research the heck out of her question. If you can use a British accent when presenting it to her, you’re 70% of the way there. Be right – but go about it the right way; it may take time.
Disagree, give love – Immediately disagree with what the other person said or the objections raised? How would you want to be responded to if you were wrong at work by your boss? Harshly and without grace? Ya, probably not. Disagree by asking questions. They may not have thought of the particular issue before or have given an answer only what they’ve heard from someone who has it wrong. Or maybe – maybe – just maybe it’s possible you have it wrong too. Ask things like, “Can you show me where it says that in Scripture?” or “What about the implication of X?” or “What would you say to people who say Y?” Questions allow you to object while still showing you want to learn from that person. If he gives an answer that is interesting or you’ve never thought of it like that before, tell him. Isn’t he so handsome when he’s talking theology?
Husbands, if your wife is disagreeing with your answer show love as well. Maybe this is a subject you aren’t 100% about in your own mind. Your wife, more than anyone, knows you are not perfect. It’s ok to admit that to her outright. It shows her your humility and shows her you are open to being corrected if presented with new evidence. If she’s disagreeing with you harshly, ask questions about her position. Listen to her objections and understand that many faithful Christians probably had that position as well. If you held that position before, let her know and talk about the process that led you to change your mind. Have her present her understanding while taking notes; tell her you’ll look into her perspective take. After all, a lady who knows her theology, that is some hot stuff right there.
Revisit with love – Husbands, it’s ok if you don’t know the answer. Wives, it’s ok that he doesn’t know the answer – even if he has been to seminary or hosts his own podcast. Ask for both of you to do some researching and reading and come back at a specific time to discuss it. Use it as a joint Bible or book study. Learn together. Show each other how hot your big brains are!
Be in Christ with love – Understand that you both love each other. The goal isn’t to win. The goal is to grow in your understanding of the Lord so that you can more accurately and perfectly do His Will and know Him more. You are both one flesh – grow together! Wives, if you have a question and you know you’re husband knows the answer, trust me, he would love that you’re coming to him. “Honey, can you help me walk through Romans 9? I know you know it so well and you’re great with helping me understand.” Then at the end, “That was great, babe, you’re so smart and such a man of God. You are special to me and the kids. You’re awesome.” Put the kids to bed early because, well – walking through Romans 9 takes a while.
Husbands, believe it or not, women love flattery too. “That’s a great question, hun. What brought that question up? What are your thoughts? Do you have a standing on it yet?” Then at the end, “Great questions, sweetie. Thanks for coming to me and thinking I could help you. I hope we can do it again soon. Give me a couple of days to look up those great questions you brought up and I’ll see if there’s another side to it.” You’ve got your next date night all set!
One caveat before I conclude, if the disagreement is truly a salvation issue (not just which eschatology stance is the right one or whether wine or juice is ok for communion) it may be needed to consult your pastors/elders. It is ok to ask questions that are salvation issues so that both may know the subject better (Philippians 2:12-13) but if it’s denial of the Gospel this is a serious issue that requires serious attention.
Did I mention, with love?
“Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.” (1 Peter 3:7, ESV).
Christian husband or wife, live with one another with understanding. Both showing honor and submission to the proper one. Understanding that you are both weak vessels and both are called to love each other in Christ. Be longsuffering for each other. Be servent-like to each other. Be patient with each other. Be loving to each other. Be desiring for each other’s brains and their answers about God!
